written by Paul Merton
"I'd hate to give up smoking...because I don't smoke.
To give up I'd have to start, and I've tried starting, I haven't got the willpower.
I've tried suddenly starting. Gradually increasing the number of cigarettes I smoke each day. Cutting up.
I find myself not having a cigarette, and then not having another one immediately afterwards.
I'm probably not smoking 40 to 50 cigarettes a day.
Of course there are many ways to give up smoking - nicotine chewing gum, hypnotism...
My aunt used to douse herself in a gallon of petrol every morning, the idea being that she couldn't light up without turning herself into a human fireball.... didn't stop her. You'd be in the living room, you'd hear a cough and a whoosh. She was up to 40 whooshes a day by the end of it.
The bloke next door's had surgery to stop him smoking. He's had his lips sewn together. But he still carried on smoking, he used to put the cigarettes up his nose and smoked them like that. So the doctors thought this is no good, so they got hold of him and pump a load of cavity foam up each nostril. but he still carried on smoking... and it wasn't through his ears either I can tell you. He'd be sat on the bus and everyone would be wondering where the smoke rings were coming from. Nobody else had a drag on his fag I can tell you. In the end he was cured by accupuncture - they stuck some needles in eyes, he went blind, now he can't find his fags anymore."
Believe it or not, but that was from memory - I have watched/listened to Paul Merton Live At The London Palladium way too many times.
The Fool.
