Smoking Monologue

written by Paul Merton

"I'd hate to give up smoking...because I don't smoke.

To give up I'd have to start, and I've tried starting, I haven't got the willpower.

I've tried suddenly starting. Gradually increasing the number of cigarettes I smoke each day. Cutting up.

I find myself not having a cigarette, and then not having another one immediately afterwards.

I'm probably not smoking 40 to 50 cigarettes a day.

Of course there are many ways to give up smoking - nicotine chewing gum, hypnotism...

My aunt used to douse herself in a gallon of petrol every morning, the idea being that she couldn't light up without turning herself into a human fireball.... didn't stop her. You'd be in the living room, you'd hear a cough and a whoosh. She was up to 40 whooshes a day by the end of it.

The bloke next door's had surgery to stop him smoking. He's had his lips sewn together. But he still carried on smoking, he used to put the cigarettes up his nose and smoked them like that. So the doctors thought this is no good, so they got hold of him and pump a load of cavity foam up each nostril. but he still carried on smoking... and it wasn't through his ears either I can tell you. He'd be sat on the bus and everyone would be wondering where the smoke rings were coming from. Nobody else had a drag on his fag I can tell you. In the end he was cured by accupuncture - they stuck some needles in eyes, he went blind, now he can't find his fags anymore."

Believe it or not, but that was from memory - I have watched/listened to Paul Merton Live At The London Palladium way too many times.

The Fool.

Funny Tweets II

Christ, I'm rubbish at doing this blog - going ages without adding stuff - arrgh!

Funny Tweets I

After 10 awards, I've decided to scrap the Funniest Tweet Of The Week Award, but I will still collect the funniest tweets of the week and post them all in a blog instead of giving one specific one an award.

also this picture was tweeted by @Gerard_McCarthy

The Fool.

Seven Deadly Sins I

ALI DEFOY

blonde, bubbly, infectious personality and all round lovely lady

Occupation: TV presenter on Gems TV

Twitter: @AliDeFoy - TV Presenter by trade, St Mirren supporter by default, hot chocolate connoisseur by choice, spray tan artist for the love

Website: www.officialalidefoy.com

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

WRATH - What Really Annoys You?

I very rarely get annoyed, but if I had to choose something I'd say people who are rude. Mannerscost nothing, no excuses lol!

GREED - If You Had A Million Pounds What Would You Do With It?

No idea, probably share it out between my immediate family and friends and my two fave charities Accord Hospice & St Vincents Hospice.

SLOTH - What Do You Do To Relax?

I go home to Scotland and walk in the countryside or play golf. If I can't do that I just chill at home with my pet rabbit Bambi and listen to some music.

PRIDE - What About Your Life Are You Most Proud Of?

I'm mostly proud of being part of an incredibly loving, caring and considerate family. Achievement wise, I would say working in the industry I had always dreamt of for over a decade...I made my own dreams a reality with the help, love and support from my amazing family and friends.

LUST - Is There A Famous Person You Really Fancy?

I don't fancy anyone famous lol. I think Johnny Depp is amazing.

ENVY - If You Could Change Places With Anyone Who Would It Be?

Honestly I wouldn't want to change a thing, I'm one very lucky young lady surrounded by a loving family, true friends and a great football team (St Mirren FC) - Although it would be fun to be Danny Lennon on match day (SMFC Manager)

GLUTTONY - If You Could Eat Anything Right Now, What Would It Be?

oooh haggis in a whisky sauce with neeps 'n' tatties :)

Thank you so much Ali, very much appreciated :) xx

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMIC RELIEF FUND

For every famous person who takes the time and answers the questionnaire I will give £2 to Comic Relief.

Comic Relief Fund So Far: £2.00

This was renewed and updated from an earlier Seven Deadly Sins entry

Funniest Tweet Of The Week Award #10

other nominations

and the winner

Seven Deadly Sins

Have decided to create a 'Celebrity' (hate that word) Questionnaire based on the Seven Deadly Sins.

And for anybody who replies and answers the questions I will give £2 to Comic Relief (so 4 people will be £8, 10 will be £20 and so on) - and I will honour this.

The following are the questions everyone will be asked to answer:

Wrath - What really annoys you?
Greed - If you had a million pounds what would you do with it?
Sloth - What do you do to relax?
Pride - What about your life are you most proud of?
Lust - Is there are famous person you really fancy?
Envy - If you could change places with anyone who would it be?
Gluttony - If you could eat anything right now what would it be?

Also because this is for Comic Relief - if you have a favourite joke to share - I would love to add it to the bottom of your entry.

For anyone who is interested could you send me your answers to my email at -

The-Fool-2010@hotmail.com

Thanking you in advance

The Fool

Funniest Tweet Of The Week Award #9

sorry it's a bit late

other nominations

and the winner is...